The Stages of Riding Home in the Rain

-9 hours: “The roads are dry! I don’t need fenders or rain pants today.”

-3 hours: “It’s coming down pretty hard, but with Osiris as my witness, I’m sure it’ll clear up by five.”

-1 hour: “Are those puddles under my bike?”

-30 minutes: “All thanks to the Sky Father, I think I see some blue to the west.”

-15 minutes: “La la la la…”

-10 seconds: “I probably won’t get that wet.”

0 seconds: “Praises to the Old Gods and the New, it’s not raining that hard.”

+15 seconds: “Is my butt wet already, or is that just the cold bike seat?”

+30 seconds: “By Odin, these tires throw up a lot of water.”

+60 seconds: “I think my pants are a little wet.”

+90 seconds: “ConFUCious! Either I soiled myself or…”

+2 minutes: “Mmmm. Road grit.”

+4 minutes: “By the hairy Buddha, I’m soaked.”

+5 minutes: “And my feet are wet now too.”

+6 minutes: “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I wonder how quickly foot rot can set in.”

+8 minutes: “Might as well go harder to get home sooner.”

+8.01 minutes: “Seven Hells, these tires throw up a lot of water.”

+9 minutes: “C’mon, garage door – the doors to Hades open faster!”

+11 minutes: “Perkele! These wet pants are awfully hard to get off.”

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