Monday, May 09, 2005

How Lynne Cheney Might Critique My Infant Daughter's Book Collection, part 1

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
A trite, liberal attempt to demonstrate the value of outmoded 20th century relativism. Lacks any sense of the importance of hierarchy and a natural order, though even a child understand that teachers ought to have control over students, humans over animals, and white dogs over purple cats. Titular animal well-known as symbol of evil Russian/communist empire.

Olivia's Opposites
A primer on liberal obstructionism and reflexively oppositional thinking. Porcine protagonist also emobodies virulent anti-semitism. When she is not wearing hammer-and-sickle red, she also frequently appears lewdly underclad or obscenely unclad. Author also works for cryto-communist magazine, the New Yorker.

Love and Kisses
Truly nauseating argument in favor of free love, especially between species. By tracing chain of kisses from "you" to "your cat" through a series of animals (giggling goose, horse, surprised dog) and back to "you," suggests that promiscuity will have positive outcomes: "Smooch and smack/You'll have your love and kisses back." Con: No mention of STDs. Pro: no mention of birth control.


Elise said...

1. You're giving Lynne WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much credit.
2. Have you submitted these to McSweeney's? Because, hello! You totally should!

12:00 AM  

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