Why I Have a Scratched Cornea (Again)

1. I absent-mindedly used silicon spray, not saline solution, to clean my contacts.
2. Because I wanted to see how many different eye medications I could get. (Three and counting!)
3. I make the poor decision to act on my life-long desire to kiss a porcupine.
4. I recently led a secret Special Forces mission in western Afghanistan which included an ambush of al-Qaeda forces during a sandstorm.
5. The gods answered my prayer for the opportunity to hear the phrase “epithelial erosion” again.
6. I tried to perform LASIK on myself with a CD-player laser, a thimbleful of whiskey, and a paring knife.
7. Because after you get one scratch on your cornea, you’re forever susceptible to renewed scratches in that same spot.

3 thoughts on “Why I Have a Scratched Cornea (Again)”

  1. I’ll thank you, sir, to cease using the word “naked” and “eye” in any sentences concerning me. My ocular clothing choices are my own. And I prefer the terms “naturistic” or “nekkid,” anyhow.

  2. FWIW, I’m up to four eye medications: a strong rewetting drop (every hour), an liquid antibiotic (every four hours), a liquid steroid (ve vill pump YOU up, every two hours), and a goopy antibiotic paste (just before bed).

    In other words: avoid corneal erosions.

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